Should your oldest child be your executor?

Many parents assume the oldest child should be executor. It feels traditional, and it seems to avoid a hard conversation. But "should my executor be my oldest child?" is really a question about who is best suited to the job.

An executor settles your estate after you die. It's paperwork, deadlines and some difficult phone calls, often while grieving.

This page covers how to choose among your children, when sharing the role helps and when it backfires. It's part of our guide to the four roles in every estate plan.

Does the law favor the oldest child?

No. Birth order has no legal weight in choosing an executor. You can name any adult child, or someone outside the family.

Even when there's no will, the law treats children as a group.

Washington has a priority list for appointing a personal representative. A surviving spouse or registered domestic partner comes first, then "child or children," with no ranking among them (RCW 11.28.120). Then come parents, siblings, grandchildren, and nieces or nephews.

So the choice is yours. The real question is which child, if any, fits the work.

What makes a good executor?

The job rewards a particular set of strengths. Washington's statute describes the duty as settling the estate as quickly as possible without sacrificing its value (RCW 11.48.010). In practice, that means a long run of small, careful tasks.

Run each child through this list:

• Organized. Will they keep records, meet deadlines and answer the bank's letters?
• Available. Can they set aside time over many months, with a job and a family of their own?
• Close enough, or able to work from afar. Can they handle the house, or hire help to?
• Trusted by the others. Will their siblings accept their decisions without suspicion?
• Steady. Can they stay calm when a brother is upset about the piano?
• Willing. Have you asked, and did they say yes?

Often the best fit isn't the oldest. It might be the middle child who does the books for her small business, or the son who lives fifteen minutes from your house.

Can my child serve if they live in another state?

Often, yes, though it varies by state. In Washington, a nonresident can serve as personal representative if they appoint a local agent to receive court papers. That agent is a county resident or the estate's attorney (RCW 11.36.010).

A nonresident must also file a bond unless it has been waived. A will can waive the bond (RCW 11.28.185).

Much of the work, like calls, forms and banking, can be done from a laptop. Emptying a house is harder from far away. Our page on planning when your children live far away covers that in more depth.

Should I name two children as co-executors?

It can feel like the fairest choice. Nobody is left out, and nobody seems favored. Washington allows a will to name more than one executor (RCW 11.28.010).

But fair and practical aren't always the same. Here's how it tends to play out.

Co-executors tend to work well when the children get along, communicate easily and have different strengths. They tend to struggle when there's old friction, or when one does all the work while the other holds a veto.

If you name co-executors, say in your will how they should share decisions. Ask the person drafting it what your state allows. In Washington, if one co-executor dies, resigns or becomes disqualified, those who remain carry on, unless the will or the court says otherwise (RCW 11.28.270).

Other ways to keep things fair

You don't have to choose between one child and all of them. Some families use one of these approaches instead.

Split the roles. One child can be executor while another holds your medical power of attorney. A third might be successor trustee if you have a trust. Each child gets a job that suits them.

Name a backup. Name one child first and another second. If the first can't serve or steps down, the second takes over. Our page on naming a backup in every role explains how to set the order.

Bring in a neutral party. If you worry about tension, a trust company or professional can serve as executor, or as backup to a child. Our page on corporate vs individual trustees weighs that trade-off. Kinly members can name Trella Trust Company, a Washington State chartered trust company, as executor, first or behind a child they choose.

Keep the inheritance separate from the job. Being executor doesn't change who inherits. Your will decides that. Saying so plainly can take a lot of heat out of the choice.

What about paying the executor?

An executor can be paid from the estate, which can feel uneven when one child does the work. In Washington, if your will sets the executor's pay, that amount controls unless the executor gives it up before serving. Otherwise the court allows what it considers just and reasonable (RCW 11.48.210).

Some parents address this directly in the will. Others leave it to the court's standard. Our page on how much an executor gets paid goes further.

Here is a typical case

Here is a typical case, a composite. Susan, 69, has three children.

Her oldest, Mark, lives in London. Her daughter Amy lives twenty minutes away and manages a dental office. Her youngest, Tom, is kind but disorganized.

Susan names Amy as executor and Mark as backup. She names Tom as her medical power of attorney, since he's the one who visits most and knows her wishes best. Then she writes each of them a short note explaining why, and that she loves them equally.

Nobody is surprised later. That's the real goal.

Tell your children before it matters

Whatever you decide, say it out loud. Tell each child what role you've given them and why. A choice explained in your own voice is far easier to accept than one discovered in a lawyer's office.

Write down where your documents are, too, and the small things only you know. Our guide to the care plan covers what's worth recording. If none of your children feels like the right fit, our page on who should be your executor walks through other options.

Common questions

Does the oldest child have the right to be executor?

Birth order gives no legal right to serve. If you leave a will, the person you name serves, subject to the court's appointment. Without a will, Washington lists children as a group, with no preference for the oldest.

Is it better to have one executor or two?

One executor is usually faster and simpler. Two can share the work and reassure the family, but they must coordinate, and a disagreement can slow everything. If you choose two, say in your will how they should make decisions.

Can an executor also inherit from the estate?

Yes. It's common for a child to be both executor and a beneficiary. The executor still has a duty to settle the estate as the will directs, treating every beneficiary as the will requires.

What if my children don't get along?

Consider naming a neutral party, such as a trust company or professional, as executor or as backup. You can also split roles so no child holds all the decisions. Explaining your choice in writing helps too.

Sources

• RCW 11.28.010: Letters to executors, refusal to serve (Washington State Legislature)
• RCW 11.28.120: Persons entitled to letters (Washington State Legislature)
• RCW 11.28.185: Bond of personal representative (Washington State Legislature)
• RCW 11.28.270: Powers of remaining personal representatives (Washington State Legislature)
• RCW 11.36.010: Parties disqualified, nonresident personal representatives (Washington State Legislature)
• RCW 11.48.010: General powers and duties of personal representatives (Washington State Legislature)
• RCW 11.48.210: Compensation of personal representative (Washington State Legislature)