Power of attorney for an elderly parent

Maybe it started with a stack of unopened mail on the kitchen counter. Or a call from the bank. Or a hospital nurse asking, kindly, whether anyone has power of attorney.

If you're the daughter or son trying to help, this page is for you. It explains how power of attorney for an elderly parent actually works, how to bring it up, and what to do if it's late. It's part of our guide to what happens if you can't speak for yourself.

The key point: your parent signs, not you

A power of attorney is given, not taken. Your parent, the principal, signs a document naming you as their agent. Nobody else can sign it for them.

That means the decision is theirs. Your job is to make it easy for them to make it, and to respect what they choose, even if they name your brother.

How do you raise it?

The conversation usually goes better when it's about their wishes, not your worries. A few approaches that tend to help:

• Start with yourself. "I just did my own documents, and it made me think about yours."
• Make it about control. Signing is how your parent decides who helps. Without it, the law or a judge decides.
• Be concrete. Who pays the property tax if Dad's in the hospital for a month? Who can talk to the vet about the cat?
• Offer choices. They can name you, a sibling, a friend, or a professional. They can name a backup.
• Don't rush the first talk. A second conversation often goes better than a hard first one.

If you live far away, be honest about that too. Our post on when your children live far away covers whether a distant child should be first in line.

What your parent will need to sign

Most parents sign two documents, one for money and one for health care. Here's what Washington requires, in checklist form.

One witnessing rule catches families out. In Washington, a witness can't be related to your parent or to the agent by blood, marriage or registered domestic partnership. A witness also can't be your parent's home care provider, or a care provider where they live (RCW 11.125.050).

So if you're the agent, you, your spouse and your siblings can't serve as witnesses. A notary avoids the problem. A bank or other business presented with a notarized power of attorney must generally accept it, or ask for a certification, within seven business days (RCW 11.125.200).

Our step-by-step guide to how to get power of attorney covers each choice in more detail.

What if memory is already changing?

A diagnosis doesn't automatically close the door. The National Institute on Aging notes that people with early-stage dementia can often understand many aspects of legal decisions (NIA fact sheet). What matters is whether your parent understands the document when they sign.

Two things help. Act soon, and let the lawyer or drafter meet your parent directly, ideally with you out of the room for part of it. That way your parent's choices are clearly their own. Our post on dementia and power of attorney goes deeper.

What your role involves once you're named

Being named is an honor and a job. You'd be a fiduciary: legally required to act in your parent's interest and follow what they wrote. Washington spells out the core duties (RCW 11.125.140):

• Act on your parent's reasonable expectations where you know them, and otherwise in their best interest.
• Act in good faith, and only within the authority the document grants.
• Avoid conflicts of interest that get in the way of acting for them.
• Keep records of every receipt, payment and transaction.
• Work with whoever makes health care decisions, and try to preserve their estate plan where you know it.

Keep your parent's money separate from yours, and save receipts. The Consumer Financial Protection Bureau publishes a free guide for people named in a power of attorney, as part of its Managing Someone Else's Money series.

Social Security is separate. A power of attorney doesn't by itself let you manage Social Security payments; that takes a representative payee appointed by Social Security.

What if it's too late to sign?

Sometimes a parent can no longer understand a document. Then there are other routes, depending on the decision.

Medical decisions. Washington doctors turn to a statutory list when a patient can't consent. After a guardian, a health care agent and a spouse, adult children come next (RCW 7.70.065). Everyone available in the same class must agree, so you and your siblings would need to decide together.

Money and property. There's no similar list. You may need to ask a court to appoint a conservator, or a guardian for personal decisions. Any person interested in an adult's welfare can file a petition (RCW 11.130.270).

If your parent never nominated anyone, the court follows a priority list. Without a nomination, an agent or a spouse, it looks to a relative or other person who has shown special care and concern (RCW 11.130.305). Our pages on guardianship vs power of attorney and conservatorship vs power of attorney explain the process.

Should it be you?

Here is a typical case, a composite. Laura, 52, lives in Denver. Her mother, 81, lives in Olympia with an old beagle and a garden she still tends.

Her mother named Laura as financial agent and Laura's cousin in Tacoma as medical agent, since he can be at the hospital in an hour. She named a trust company as backup in both roles. Laura handles the money from Denver, and nobody has to fly in to sign a form.

It's fine if the answer isn't "only me." Caring from a distance is hard, and our post on caregiver burnout is honest about that. Some parents name a professional first or as backup. Kinly, for example, lets a member name Trella Trust Company behind a daughter or son, and our guide to choosing professional help compares the options.

Once the documents are signed, the next questions are practical ones: where your parent wants to live, and who checks in. Our posts on long-term care planning and aging in place pick up from there.

Common questions

How do I get power of attorney for my mom?

Your mom has to sign a power of attorney naming you, while she can understand what she's signing. In Washington, she signs and dates it before a notary or two qualified witnesses, and it needs durability wording to keep working if she becomes incapacitated.

Can I sign a power of attorney on behalf of my parent?

No. The parent must sign it themselves. If they're physically unable to write, Washington allows signing by a mark or another method set out in state law, but the decision and the act must still be theirs.

Can I be a witness on my parent's power of attorney?

Not in Washington. Witnesses can't be related to your parent or to the agent. Using a notary instead of witnesses avoids the problem and also helps with banks.

What if my parent refuses to sign a power of attorney?

That's their right while they have capacity. Keep the door open, and ask whether they'd prefer to name someone else, such as a sibling, friend or professional. If they later lose capacity without signing, a court process may be the only route.

Do I need power of attorney if I'm already on my parent's bank account?

Usually it's still wise. A joint account covers only that account, and it doesn't reach other accounts, property or health care. A durable financial power of attorney is broader, and it comes with duties to act for your parent.

Sources

• RCW 7.70.065: Persons authorized to consent for patients without capacity
• RCW 11.125.040: Power of attorney, termination at incapacity unless durable
• RCW 11.125.050: Power of attorney signing requirements
• RCW 11.125.080: Conservator or guardian nomination
• RCW 11.125.110: Coagents and successor agents
• RCW 11.125.140: Agent's duties
• RCW 11.125.200: Acknowledged power of attorney, acceptance
• RCW 11.125.240: Authority that requires a specific grant
• RCW 11.130.270: Petition for appointment of guardian for adult
• RCW 11.130.305: Who may be guardian for adult, order of priority
• National Institute on Aging: Legal and Financial Planning for People Living With Dementia (fact sheet, via GovInfo)
• Consumer Financial Protection Bureau: Managing Someone Else's Money
• Congressional Research Service: Social Security, Representative Payees and Power of Attorney