What to do when a parent dies

When your mother or father dies, you are grieving and organizing at the same time. Maybe you live three time zones away. Maybe you are the one sibling who lives close, so everything lands on you.

This guide puts the tasks in the order they usually come, and says plainly what can wait. We use Washington as the worked example where state law matters. For the full job of settling an estate, see our guide to the executor of an estate.

The first few days

You don't have to do everything at once. In the first days, only a handful of things matter.

1. Call a funeral home. If your parent was in a hospital or hospice, the staff will help with this.
2. Look for your parent's written wishes. A funeral page, a prepaid contract or a letter in the desk. In Washington, a signed, witnessed statement of wishes is enough legal authority (RCW 68.50.160).
3. Tell the people who should hear it from you. Your siblings, your parent's closest friends, the neighbor who has the key.
4. Take care of the house and the dog. Lock up, empty the refrigerator, and find the dog a place to stay.
5. Give the funeral home the Social Security number. Medicare.gov says the funeral home will report the death to Social Security in most cases (Medicare.gov).

If there are no written wishes and no surviving spouse, Washington gives the funeral decisions to most of the adult children (RCW 68.50.160). That means you and your siblings decide together. A short call to agree on the basics helps.

Our checklist on what to do when someone dies covers the first week in more detail.

If one parent is still living

When a father dies and a mother survives, much of the work changes shape. She may be the executor. She may inherit most or all of the estate.

Suppose there is no will. In Washington, a surviving spouse then receives all of the deceased spouse's share of community property. When there are children, the spouse also receives half of the separate property (RCW 11.04.015). A will can say something different.

Your surviving parent may also qualify for Social Security survivor benefits (USAGov). Help her call about it, and go with her to the bank.

The first month

This is when the paperwork starts. Who does it depends on the will.

• Order certified death certificates. Banks, agencies and title companies each want one. In Washington, children are qualified to order them, and fees start at $25 per certificate (Washington State Department of Health).
• Find the will. Check the desk, the safe and your parent's lawyer. In Washington, anyone holding a will must deliver it to the court or the executor within 30 days of learning of the death (RCW 11.20.010).
• Check the bank for a Social Security payment. Social Security doesn't pay for the month of death, and that payment must be returned (USAGov).
• Forward or collect the mail. It is how you will find the accounts, bills and subscriptions.
• Don't pay the bills from your own account. They can wait until the estate is organized.

If you are the executor, and if you aren't

The will names an executor. If that is you, our executor checklist walks through the first 30 days and the first year. You can also decline; our post on whether an executor can refuse explains how.

If a sibling is executor, your role is lighter but still real. Offer specific help: clearing the garage, taking the car, handling the photos. Ask to be kept informed, not to approve every step.

If there is no will, the court appoints an administrator. In Washington, a surviving spouse comes first, then the children (RCW 11.28.120).

Do I have to pay my parent's debts?

Usually not from your own money. The Consumer Financial Protection Bureau says debts are generally paid from the estate. If the estate can't pay and nobody else shares responsibility, the debts usually go unpaid (CFPB).

There are exceptions. You may owe a debt you cosigned or a joint credit card account you shared (CFPB). Being only an authorized user on a parent's credit card generally doesn't make you responsible (CFPB).

If your parent was 55 or older and Medicaid paid for long-term care, the state may seek repayment from the estate (Medicaid.gov). Our post on Medicaid estate recovery explains how that works.

A power of attorney ends at death

Many grown children were a parent's agent under a financial power of attorney. It is natural to keep paying bills the way you did last month. But in Washington, a power of attorney ends when the principal dies (RCW 11.125.100).

From then on, the estate's money is handled by the executor or administrator. If that is you, wait until the court appoints you before using the accounts.

The months that follow

Settling a parent's estate usually takes months. If probate is needed, Washington's creditor window by itself runs four months from the first published notice (RCW 11.40.051). The house, the car and the belongings all take time.

Some estates are simpler. In Washington, a probate estate of $100,000 or less may be collected by affidavit after 40 days (RCW 11.62.010). Accounts with a named beneficiary pass straight to that person.

Our post on how long it takes to settle an estate gives a fuller picture of the calendar.

Being gentle with yourself and your siblings

Here is a typical case, a composite: a daughter of 54 flies from Denver to Tacoma the day her father dies. Her brother lives nearby, but she is the executor.

Over the next year she handles the court filings by video. He handles the house. They argue once, about the boat, and then let it go.

Most families have a moment like that. It helps to remember that the will made the hard choices already. Your job is to carry them out, not to decide them again.

Thinking ahead for yourself

Many people settle a parent's estate and then look at their own plan with new eyes. You may decide you don't want your own children flying across the country for a year. Our post on who should be your executor walks through the options, including a professional as backup.

Common questions

What should I do first when my parent dies?

Call a funeral home, look for written funeral wishes, and tell close family. Then secure the house, the mail and any pets. Give the funeral home your parent's Social Security number so they can report the death.

Am I responsible for my parent's debts?

Debts are generally paid from the estate, and family members usually don't pay them personally. Exceptions include debts you cosigned or joint accounts you shared. Being an authorized user on a credit card generally doesn't make you responsible.

Can I keep using my power of attorney after my parent dies?

No. In Washington, a power of attorney ends when the principal dies. After that, only the executor or court-appointed administrator can act for the estate.

Who handles everything if my parent had no will?

A court appoints an administrator. In Washington, a surviving spouse comes first, then the children. The estate goes to heirs in the order state law sets.

How long does it take to settle a parent's estate?

Often many months. In Washington, if probate is needed, creditors have four months after the first published notice. Selling a house or sorting out a disagreement can add more time.

Sources

• RCW 68.50.160: Right to control disposition of remains (Washington State Legislature)
• RCW 11.04.015: Descent and distribution (Washington State Legislature)
• RCW 11.20.010: Duty of custodian of will (Washington State Legislature)
• RCW 11.28.120: Persons entitled to letters (Washington State Legislature)
• RCW 11.40.051: Time limits for creditors (Washington State Legislature)
• RCW 11.62.010: Small estate affidavit (Washington State Legislature)
• RCW 11.125.100: Termination of power of attorney (Washington State Legislature)
• Report a death (Medicare.gov)
• Report the death of a Social Security or Medicare beneficiary (USAGov)
• Ordering a death record (Washington State Department of Health)
• Does a person's debt go away when they die? (Consumer Financial Protection Bureau)
• Authorized users on a deceased relative's credit card (Consumer Financial Protection Bureau)
• Estate recovery (Medicaid.gov)