Funeral wishes: writing them down so nobody has to guess
The short answer
Write your funeral wishes on a page of their own: burial or cremation, a service or none, where, the music, who speaks, and any prearrangement. Sign it and have it witnessed. In Washington, that signed, witnessed document is enough authorization for your choices, and you can name an agent to carry them out.
Most people have a few clear thoughts about their own funeral. Cremation, please. Something small. Ruth picks the music, and nobody wears black. These are lovely, specific wishes, and they are often never written down.
Writing down your funeral wishes is one of the kindest pages in a care plan. It saves the people you love from guessing during a hard week. It also lets you decide who is in charge, which matters more than most people expect.
Who decides about a funeral if you haven't written anything?
State law decides. In Washington, the rule is RCW 68.50.160, and it starts with you. You have the right to control the disposition of your own remains.
If you haven't left written directions or a prearrangement, the law hands that right down a list, in this order:
- The person named on a military DD Form 93, for certain deaths in military service.
- An agent you designated in a signed, witnessed and dated document.
- Your surviving spouse or state registered domestic partner.
- A majority of your surviving adult children.
- Your surviving parents.
- A majority of your surviving siblings.
- A court-appointed guardian you had at the time of death.
Notice who isn't on that list: your closest friend, your niece, your neighbor of thirty years. They can only be in charge if you named them in writing.
The same goes for a brother three states away who would rather not decide. If he is next on the list, the decision is his. A short signed page can change that.
In Washington, a written, signed and witnessed document stating your wishes is enough legal authorization for them.
How do you make funeral wishes legally count?
Washington makes this simpler than people expect. Under RCW 68.50.160, a written document expressing your wishes is sufficient, as long as it is signed and witnessed.
You can also name an agent to carry them out. That designation needs to be signed, witnessed and dated. The agent jumps ahead of a spouse, children and siblings on the list.
Prearrangements carry weight too. If you prepaid or filed plans with a funeral home or cemetery, the statute says survivors can't cancel them or substantially revise them.
Other states have their own rules, and the details differ. Some use a specific form, and some require a notary. If you live outside Washington, check your state's version before relying on a plain signed page.
| What you want | What to do (Washington) |
|---|---|
| Your choices followed | Write them down, sign, and have a witness sign |
| A friend in charge, not a relative | Name them as your agent in a signed, witnessed, dated document |
| Plans that survivors can't undo | Prearrange or prepay with a funeral home or cemetery |
| Simply to be remembered your way | Write the details, even if nothing is formal |
What should I write down?
Start with the big choice, then add the small, human details. Those are often what people remember most.
The essentials
- Burial, cremation, or another method your state allows.
- Where: a cemetery, a family plot, a place to scatter ashes, or "you choose."
- Whether you want a service, a gathering, or nothing formal.
- Who you've named as your agent for these decisions, if anyone.
- Any prearrangement, the funeral home's name, and where the paperwork is.
The details that make it yours
- Music, readings, a poem, a prayer, or none of those.
- Who you'd like to speak, and who you'd rather didn't.
- Flowers, or a donation to a cause you care about instead.
- What you'd like to wear, and any jewelry that should stay with you or be removed.
- A gathering place: the garden club, a favorite restaurant, your own backyard.
- Anything you'd hate. "No open casket" is a complete and useful sentence.
When you don't mind much
It is fine to leave things open. "Something small, and Carol decides the rest" is a real answer. It tells everyone who decides, which is the hardest part.
Planning ahead with a funeral home
Some people visit a funeral home and arrange things in advance. You don't have to, but it can be steadying to see the choices and prices yourself.
A federal rule, the FTC Funeral Rule, gives you some rights here. Funeral homes must give you a general price list when you ask in person about their goods, services or prices (16 CFR 453.2). They must also answer price questions over the phone.
You may choose only the items you want. Funeral homes must say so on their price list (16 CFR 453.4). And a funeral home or crematory can't require you to buy a casket for a direct cremation.
If you do prearrange, write the funeral home's name in your care plan. Tell your agent where the contract is.
Where should funeral wishes live?
Not only in your will. A will speaks after death, but it is not always found or read until days later. By then the funeral may be over.
Funeral wishes work best in three places at once:
- In your care plan, where anyone acting for you can find them.
- With your agent for these decisions, and with your executor, who will be handling the estate.
- With the funeral home, if you prearranged.
A note in an in case I die binder helps too. But a binder can't help if nobody knows where it is. Tell at least one person.
A short example
Here is a typical case, a composite. Margaret, 72, is widowed. Her son lives in Atlanta, and her friend June lives four blocks away.
Margaret wants cremation and a small gathering at the library where she volunteered. She wants June to organize it, because June knows everyone. Her son agrees and is relieved.
So Margaret writes one page. It lists her wishes and names June as her agent for the disposition of her remains. Margaret signs and dates it, and a neighbor signs as witness. Copies go to June, to her son, and into her care plan.
Without that page, the decision would go to her son by law. With it, June can act, and her son can simply come home and grieve.
Make it part of the bigger picture
Funeral wishes are one page among several. The people who should hear the news first belong on your notification list. The things you'd like given to particular people belong in a personal property memo.
Your wider wishes about the end of life, such as where you'd like to be cared for, have their own home in end-of-life wishes. The checklist for the first week after a death is in what to do when someone dies.
If the person who would carry out your wishes lives far away, or is your own age, a professional can stand behind them. Kinly members keep their funeral page in their care plan, with a team on call that has it in front of them. Our guide to choosing professional help explains the options.
Common questions
How do I write down my funeral wishes?
Put them on a page of their own: burial or cremation, a service or none, where, music, readings and who speaks. Add any prearrangement and where the paperwork is. In Washington, sign it and have a witness sign so it counts as legal authorization.
Can I choose a friend to handle my funeral instead of family?
In Washington, yes. Name your friend as your agent in a signed, witnessed and dated document. Under RCW 68.50.160, a designated agent comes ahead of a spouse, adult children, parents and siblings.
Should I put my funeral wishes in my will?
You can mention them, but don't rely only on the will. A will may not be read until after the funeral. Keep a separate signed page in your care plan and give copies to the people who will act.
Can my family change my prepaid funeral plans?
In Washington, survivors can't cancel or substantially revise funeral prearrangements that were prepaid or filed with a funeral home or cemetery. That protection comes from RCW 68.50.160. Other states have their own rules.
Do I have to buy a casket if I want cremation?
No. Under the FTC Funeral Rule, a funeral home or crematory can't require a casket for a direct cremation. Providers that arrange direct cremations must offer an alternative container.
Sources
This page is general information, not legal or financial advice. Laws vary by state.